11.19.2008

A Sign of the End Times

Have you seen that Visa commercial yet? You know, the one where the dude (my word of the day!) tries to pay with cash and he screws up the "flow" of the crowd all making purchases via check card? Yeah, well, that was me today. I left my wallet in my other bag (a semi-frequent occurrence for any of those that know me!) and so when we went to lunch today I wrote a check. And I specifically started filling out the check while in line so as not to cause a significant back up of pedestrian traffic at the register and thus incur the nasty and sideways glances of discontented patrons of the fine establishment. 

And then the lovely employee of this fine establishment totaled up my purchases and kindly told me the amount of money that I owed for my fine lunch that I was about to partake in. And she continued to multi-task as a well trained worker is often trained to do when given moments to utilize time to its fullest efficiency. I quickly completed the two lines necessary and handed the check to her. She took it. And then....


She told me that the wonderful chain organization that she is employed with at which location I was attempting to fuel my body during a mid day break from a tedious and often excrutiating job DOES NOT TAKE CHECKS!

Can this be? 
Have we entered into the era where checks are no longer viewed as relative monetary payment for goods and services?
Is the bank promise of payment via watermarked and numbered paper with the words "pay to the order of" no longer relevant?

Put a fork in her- She's Ready!


Will This Week Ever End?

Ugh...It's only Wednesday and it's only still morning....
I am so excited for Thanksgiving, I just want to go home NOW! I want to see my family, I want to see my friends and their new babies, I want to eat my mom's amazing Thanksgiving dinner. I just want this week to be over.....


11.11.2008

Honey - sweet honey


For a few years in junior high and high school, I used to keep a journal. One that chronicled the ins and outs of my days navigating the seas of homework, parental issues and relationships. After my diary was read inappropriately I didn't feel safe writing down my thoughts and feelings anymore for fear that they would be found out and used against me again in some hurtful way. I think that journaling is an important means of therapy - to cleanse our mental banks of the days occurrences and to filter through frustrations and again celebrate life's small joys. As I have been moving and subsequently cleaning out a lot of items from my collection, I have come across a few of these old journals. And to read them now after so many years gives me new insight into who I am, and how I became this person. There are things written in the journals that are trivial and nonsensical. But there are also slight glimpses into a struggling soul that was seeking guidance and answers. 

Just today I was perusing through the folders of an old email account that I used back in college. And there tucked away in a message folder entitled "old stuff" I found love letters from a past boyfriend. For anonymity's sake, we will call him Dan. Dan and I had a long distance relationship for about a year when we first started dating. I remember that summer with butterflies in my stomach. It was a summer that I will never forget - for many reasons, one of which is Dan. Ours was a relationship that bloomed unexpectedly to everyone except maybe his dad who had been pushing us towards each other for many years. And then that summer came - the summer that Dan graduated from UNL and took a job in a city almost 600 miles away. After a few weeks of uncertainty, awkwardness and butterflies between us we finally began "dating." And within two weeks, Dan had moved away. 

We continued with a non-committed long distance relationship that quickly blossomed into a full fledged courtship via email, phone calls and the occasional weekend visit. Looking through these emails that I recently discovered in an old email account gave me a new appreciation for the simple things in life - love letters, communication of life goals, wants and desires, allowing another person to enter into the deepest parts of your soul through the written words of your heart.

The communication of that relationship seemed to come so naturally for me back then - and was welcomed and reciprocated with Dan's love and openness to share. And yet, I feel as if I have lost sight of how to communicate at that level and to feel heard. Am I still capable of expressing my thoughts and feelings so openly with another without fear of hurt and pain? Have we become so complacent in our existing relationships that we no longer feel the need to connect in this way anymore?

Or are we having the same conversations and level of communication as I was with Dan, but just expressing it in a different way? I don't vividly remember the feelings and closeness that I apparently had with Dan. Is it possible that I do not see those same things in my current relationship because we are being drowned out by the surrounding white noise of life, career, commitments and concerns?

11.10.2008

Go Army-Be All That You Can Be


I had a recent conversation with my mom about "be all that you can be" - very Go Army style! This got me thinking - what exactly is it that I want from my life? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? And who do I want to share my life with?

It may seem funny that at the ripe old age of 28 I am having a sudden and transitory identity crisis about who I am. Isn't this what everyone else did during college? What was I doing that I missed out on this "rite of passage" journey towards self discovery? And how come no one ever told me that college was more about self discovery than getting an A in economics? 

Granted, if one would look at the past few years of my life they would probably all agree in true life-coaching style that it is indeed time for renewal of self. A time for me to redefine my life goals, ambitions and aspirations. I am recently emerging from an extremely painful and personally challenging two years of my life. Now that I am feeling more whole - it probably is about time for me to focus on becoming a better version of my lovely self. 

People who know me on a surface level - we'll call them acquaintances - would say that I already have a good sense of self, and a healthy dose of esteem. Those closer to me - that have experienced my juvenile sense of humor - would say that the healthy dose of self esteem has been grossly underestimated as I tend to compliment myself on jobs well done, situations handled well or stand in awe at my own beauty and fabulous sense of humor! But the truth is -and only two people probably know the true me -that I have a deep seated need to be liked. I seek approval above all else. In true Leo style, I seek the spotlight of love and adoration from everyone that may wander into my circle of existence. 

If my circle of friends - although a variety of friendship depth levels - have no idea who I am at any given moment, how do I take the first steps to make the "me" that I am a better me, if I have no idea who that real me is in the first place? Sometimes I feel as if the real me changes day to day, or from one situation or experience to another. There are so many similar versions of me, that I don't know which one I want to actually BE. 

I know I want to be happy - don't we all?! But what is it that brings true happiness to my heart? Sometimes I think about the things that used to bring that happiness - like singing, or cheerleading, or a sorority house full of girls. But, those are not the things that I think would bring the same happiness at this juncture of my life. Can you imagine me happy in a sorority house full of crazy girls? No. I have a newly developed sense of privacy and anonymity that I truly love that comes with living along - sans roommates! 

So...this is my mission - to "become the best me that I can be." How I'm going to do that, I'm still not exactly sure. But, I suppose it will be quite an adventure! 

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